As I sit here contemplating what to write...
...I thought about a conversation that I recently had with a male friend who came to me and said “All I have ever wanted to do was love you. Why won’t you let me?” I gave valid reasons, at least to me. The main one being if I have to make a choice ‘you’ or ‘me’ then it will always be me, and I stand by that truth. Never again will I sacrifice Tresa for a man.
However, this question has been haunting me rising up and dropping like a loud thud in my psyche. I knew I needed to go deeper for myself rather than accept my surface answer. When I think about my upbringing, I had the idea that I could not sustain a relationship with both man and God. I surely must choose one or the other because l was taught you cannot serve both. Neither were getting the best of me because I did not come bringing the best of me. Can you imagine the psychotic roller coaster I was on? Hormones raging as a woman, and piety and self-righteous bullshit as a ‘Christian’.
Now, don’t get all up in arms. I am not negating or affirming what some would consider their Christian values; but what I know to be true for me and many women is we forgot as women we had the capability to give life to all things including ourselves. We not only birthed babies, but sometimes we created bricks without straw to make sure our families had. We supported our men until our shoulders were bent while birthing ideas into success; but mostly, we denied ourselves. We forgot, unlike Sojourner Truth who asked the question “Ain’t I a Woman?”
My judgments about sisters who vibrated with Sojourner Truth’s words Ain’t I a Woman played in my mind as I write, especially since I have become my sisters. Their freedom was more than having babies with a man and being the dutiful wife, or saying yes when they wanted to say no. Taking ownership of how we desire to live our lives is the ultimate freedom, and these women declared they could have it all. Some women chose to do so without children, and some with a family. Those that chose motherhood learned the art of walking that tight rope of balance.
I have so much respect for these courageous women who laughed in the face of those who said certain topics were taboo and ‘good’ women didn’t indulge. I would hear some of my dear friends, sisters, and female family members talk about many topics while laughing and being animated. Sex was often a topic at the top of the list with these women, and they spoke about it in a ways that I imagine both men and women both do among themselves, ie funny, ratchet stories, pain, hurt, love all with deep emotions. Then there were those times that the sister hood spoke in hushed tones the type that was mesmerizing. You knew something deep was about to be said about sex in terms of intimacy in its sacredness a gift, if you will.
This gift had other sisters longing with that far-away look in their eyes or like me wishing to experience what I felt I was missing. A seed was being planted for those of us in the room who had not experienced the sacredness of relationship with a partner that is so empowering by way of the give and take of energy, respect, kindness, and love that both parties got their needs met?
It is our season. It is not too late. We can have the desires of our hearts, and we must begin with our own desires. Dare to be honest. Ain’t I a Woman is about possessing all of you? Diving deep into the relationship with ourselves as women…in-to-me-I-see. Intimacy with oneself takes honesty, integrity, and raw unapologetic honor. Together they create a soul that is unwavering in her relationship with herself. This woman is able to answer the question ‘what do I want’. Now, that my sister, is very sexy, and sexy does look good on you.
My friends’ question “All I have ever wanted to do was to love you. Why won’t you let me” brought me full circle as I asked myself the hard questions. Did I know how to let this man or any man love me? Have I ever known how? What does that really mean to me? Will love take my breath and my freedom away?
Some of my answers have become clear to me. Others not so much. Yet, Ain’t l a woman is a resounding Yes! Sisters we are.
