The Day I Walked Away

I would like to say that the day I walked away from my second marriage to my children’s father was the day I took my power back. But, actually it was really the day I took my life back. I was still leaking power. I’ve gotten a helluva lot better. Today, during an ‘aha’ moment, another power leak was repaired and sealed. 

For about 11 years, I had been minimizing the breakup and never giving myself credit for walking away. I told myself the reason I left was because I was still looking out for someone else other than myself. Let me explain. About a week or so before the incident, I received a call from a relative by marriage who told me to tell my husband that a woman he had prior involvement with was in town. She wanted to see him. A day or so later he told me he was going to a particular state for a job interview; which happened to be the state she lived in. He even purchased a suit to make his lie look legit. 

Normally, I would swallow my pain, and then--as my niece would say-- return to blending in with the furniture. But, for whatever reason, maybe I was just fed up. We had been arguing days prior and I was tired.

The kind of tired that can propel you into change..IF you allow it.

Usually, I would quiet the message the voice of distress was relaying to me. I would rock it back to sleep and keep it moving. 

The night before he was to leave out of town with his mistress…damn generational repetition…we got into a big argument. At that time, I never cursed. I said the word ass when my nephew was 16, and he called his mother. It was much later when I learned to like cursing….

Sorry, I digress.

We cursed each other all night long. It was like something had come over me, and I went toe to toe with him. 

After he left the next morning, I felt horrible.

Why?

The woman I had to become to turn into a woman that would curse him back was someone I did not like.

I judged her as..

wrong..

bad,..

not God- like.

I felt so much guilt and shame.

I told myself I did not want to ever be that person again.

I went to court, got a PPO, changed the locks on the door and filed for divorce in one week.

IT WAS OVER.

We never lived together or slept together again, which was our pattern. 

Years later, I give high fives to the woman who showed up for herself.

For many years, I told this story from a place of weakness and shame for letting myself get to that point.

Today, I see the strength of my anger.

All of our emotions are valid and needed.

I truly believe that my anger is as righteous as my love.

Showing up for myself was the most important part, and I forgot for many years to acknowledge that. 

I am grateful for the reconnection to all that is beautiful, right, and good about me.

I am grateful that my value is magnified in my own eyes.

Now this is PUSSY (Pulsating Unadulterated Sacred Sensual Yearnings) CHRONICLES AS MEDICINE being fulfilled as I return to myself.

My longing to..laugh louder, be more authentic, be happier and reside in a state of joy is causing me to invest in myself.

That investment begins with the willingness to see myself correctly.

What we look for? We find.

Look for your value and see the “real” you!